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A Taste of My Life低调的华丽, 因为生命是一场盛宴 6/20/2009 Pinnacle I feel I've been waiting for this very day in the whole year--summer solstice. For the green, the rebirth, the warmth, the delight, the bloom, the growth, the love, the peace and the pinnacle of daylight.
And for our road to summer vacation---
6/17/2009 When your child mirrors youMiya has been very happy at daycare since her recent recovering from unknown virus affected illness weeks before. However she behaved unusually yesterday morning when we dropped her off, simply because her favorite teacher and nanny were not at present. I guess she did not eat her breakfast properly.
 I had words with her teacher Päivi in the afternoon. I told my concerns and worries as Miya is almost 21 months, who should overcome the stage of sticking to certain persons and becoming more welcoming to others, however it seems Päivi thinks differently and enlightens me in different perspective. She told Miya started to cry and ran to her for hug in the corridor the moment when she saw her walked from the parking through the window. Actually she was already calmly playing with another new nanny. She was very much touched because this kid showed strong and keen affection to her. She could not wait to hold her in arms before taking shoes off. So Päivi thinks it is very much personality thing, probably will never go away with age, that Miya is very direct and showing her motions in her unique way, and we should understand and support her emotional trends with less interfere as parents and teacher.
Yeah, Miya is very much outright and candid, though sometimes it potentially puts me into embrassment for her involuntarily offence to other's goodwill. But for sure, I can not blame her to bit, because I know that trait is definitely inherited from me. Over years, I've learned to be sleeky and sophisticated, at least on the surface, but I still fail many times to hide my feelings. On top of that, the inclination to be selective to her preferred people is also quite remarkable similarity of mine, particularly in my younger age.
It is another fun of being a parent. You can easily find your child is mirroring you in many ways no matter how you like it or not. The pleasant and unpleasant can both be passed down to your child spontaneously and completely. You wish to help your child to get over some annoying parts, but before doing that, you have to breath hard and admit it is as hard as you try to adjust yourself conflicting with your own intuitive reaction.
I shall always remember, she is an individual and I shall always repect her own individual personality with a bigger heart.
6/14/2009 哗哈哈 吃了这种叫Metronidazol的抗生素，每天口干舌燥心发慌，还有就是party不可以喝酒，气呢。。。
自从上次我们隔天带40度高烧大病出愈的Miya小朋友去Tallin，有人给小mi起一个外号米小强，笑倒哟，当我们妹妹是蟑螂呀。更笑倒，称我们是一对邪恶的couple。
一本接一本地都看Alexander McCall Smith的书，对他的才华阅历和智慧崇拜得不得了。每天左手抱Miya，右手抱着Sunday's Philosophy Club入睡。
因为travel ban，所以大多会议都改成conference call 了。讨厌conference call，轮到侬讲话前要讲this is XX speaking，轮到侬闭嘴时要mute语音，轮到侬host会议，喋喋不休对着空气喧哗后，还要隔着电话线谁也看不到谁地问大家，any comments or questions，其实最好别问nonsense快点结束可以上厕所喝咖啡。烦不烦。
和带小人比，上班是件有趣的事。可以关起门坐在在电脑前想心事讲电话，可以假装正经地谈一些leadership和management，可以理直气壮地指手画脚和谈笑风生，可以用Email和人唇枪舌战理论是非，可以高调粉饰presentation往自己脸上贴金，可以用一个小时午餐时间和同事朋友打情骂俏，可以在开会Living meeting之时堂而幌之地在公司的communicator 开无数个窗口和人边谈公事边聊有点没的闲话。可以有一万个理由不要去念又一个失败的妈妈经。
雨后满园绿色，早先种下的蔬菜郁郁葱葱，美丽不可方物，看在眼里可是我想到的却是它们到了嘴里该是何等的鲜美和可贵。想想自己也蛮低端的。
想到百分之一的可能性可以做miya干妈的教母，我就笑倒肚子痛，她说这都乱了，可是我想得就是这个淘气的乱字。
猴子帮我装了这个搜狗，打中文果然快多了，虽然我仍然前鼻音后鼻音不分，Z zh，r l 不分，不过倒是对我的上海国语水平不再那么气馁了。
6/12/2009 上海并不遥远 不晓得是否每个人每次想到自己家里，心目中都有一张地图和一些不变的场景。好像物换星移自己还是停留在年少时，无知又快乐，好像我就是。想到窝里，就自然想到自家的弄堂，想到出了门走了无数遍陕西南路，路过牛奶棚拐到复兴路，路过陕南邨，沿着黄陂路绕到淮海路。没有目的的瞎走，心里却谢意的很。脑子里像装了下载了地图，脚底板装了GPS，每一条弄堂，每一俳小店，每一个场景心里萨清，走过路过不会错过。因为这就是生我养我的上海滩呀。三十几岁的人，离开窝哩，离开老爸老妈老外婆还有一大堆亲朋好友，生活在又冷又远又北方的异地，还不得不拾捌念叨异地好处可以说服自己安心生活下去。可心里多少会缅怀过去饭来张口衣来伸手而又没有丝毫内疚的时光，多少会叹一口气勿晓得哪能会得真的舍得抛开上海的种种便利繁荣和亲情。每次想到回上海，心里就痒痒的。灯红酒绿纸醉金迷的十里洋场，要风得风，要雨有雨，要啥有啥的花花世界，不要太赞哟。气恼时会想，好好的上海小姐不做，到这里萨格事体都要自己搞定，真是脑子哦被抢打过了。
等有了小囡，发觉搬回上海计划更是遥远，勿光是距离，更是全家回上海生活变得不现实。没BB，很多事体都简单，有了BB, 伊小还好适应，等小囡大了就勿便当，多少要不舍得放弃这里教育福利和环境。一岁多的小人，开口就是芬兰上海闲话，欢喜的就是牛奶sausage加洋山芋，看到人多就吓了，看到沙坑雪堆和水塘眼睛发光恨不得在里头打滚，进门就脱鞋脱袜脱衣裳恨不得脱精光。这些到了上海要被笑称乡下拧。等再大一点，伊就有自家主意了，要伊板过了就更难了。
恋爱结婚到底为了什么。看到BB胖胖的小脸，好像忽然明白过来，两个不相干的人走到一起就是为了成全这十月怀胎开花结果的因果论。所谓家庭就是一个爸一个妈和伊拉的子女在同一个房子里吃饭，困觉，白相，过日子，生气吵架，想各自心事，到了夜深人静的辰光睡到床上想到毕竟是一家人，心里就安全和安稳。俗是俗了点，不过人生大概不过如此。
好是好了，上海也就9个钟头的飞行距离，好是好了，阿拉一年至少有6个礼拜的假期，好是好了，上海有亲朋好友可以随叫随到哦啊，好是好了，经常有人飞过来帮忙带上海来吃的用的和淘宝的东东，多少感到家并不远。
6/8/2009 Summer's PaceIt was very chilly and rainy last week, as if summer is slowing down it pace and astray out of its path. On Saturday afternoon, the sun peeked over heavy clouds finally, though the air did not smell like summer, too crispy and cold to wear shorts. We are just afriad that summer will slip away before we feel it and make the best of every summer day when there is abound of light, warmth, and joy.
The work has been quite busy lately, because I want to push forward and make more productivity before summer vacation. yes, we are going to take five weeks vacation starting from June 19. The July will be quiet for any serious business talk, because it is Holiday season of this whole country. Honestly I am not in groovy work-mode, because too much distraction and entertainment to be planned for two weeks ahead. Lalala.....
Still, the weekend was eventful. We were almost out and ate every night. Unexpected yet wonderful treat at Chinese restaurant on Friday night, the well-schemed Aulis & HY's Birthday party on Saturday and entertained by Sami & Raisa at their home on Sunday. That's what I really enjoy the company of good friends, laughing, eating, chatting, exchanging life experience and simply just being together. Life spreads more color and generates more dynamics with friends to enrich our existence, isn't it?
I hope to extend all the possibility to have a long and full summer day every day onwards. I hope we are blessed for this summer with enormous sunlight. I hope we will be warm here enough and not too hot during our Shanghai trip. I hope we can sit and rest every night peacefully until the sunset crimson fades away. I hope we explore more fun in our daily rountine.
6/1/2009 Try to GripEvery summer day is as precious as diamond in this cold-climate land. Summer produces plentiful of light, green, blossom, dynamics, friendship, love, delight and profound meaning of life.
Night is dwindled in the summer light, as the sky goes to pale dim untill 11pm. Sleeping is the last thing I want to do in the day. Sitting on the terrace, leaving the door open, welcoming the fresh air and breeze in my hair, breathing the smell of the green grass and sweet flowers, watching the crystal blue sky, savoring in the golden light, and thinking how surreal and heaven-like it is and how we should make the best of the every moment of every day. The moments and days are enlarged in the way when we actually enjoy and cherish it, I believe. We could not afford to let every single minute slip away in the short summer time. Because soon, the shimmering summer memory will be our soul fodder to stay with us for the rest of year, and overcome the darkness with sparkling hope.
It make me to feel a new life, and much better streamlined version of myself. I can appreciate the joys of a fireplace and hot tea on cold winter days, the healing magic of fall rain and shoots of rushroom in the forest, but I declare my right of summer to have days that lure me outside to feel, see, touch and smell the exuberance of new lives and harmonize to the peace of nature.
This is my right of summer.
5/31/2009 We are a family
Sunday's Picnic, sunshine, giggles, laughs, running kids, sharing deliciousness, resting and relaxing, cold beer, friends and family 5/30/2009 A Beautiful Summer Day
People live temperate places where four seaons are distinctly characteristic, they won't live among trees that are bare sticks until the end of April. They live through seasonal changes year by year and take it for granted. They do not know how the summer sun feels like an addiction when it finally arrives with a frantic bursting of bloom and growth, and the blurring memory of snow. I used to be one of them, seven years back. But here, winter stretches out longer enough until it feels like forever. Until it is impossible to remember the color of new leaves or sunburn. Untill the summer memory is lost in the monochrome. When finally summer is here, it unfurls every pore of skin to breath and feel a lighthearted refresh. The craving is intense and thankful. The mercury pushed almost 30 celsius today, the air was warm and cheerful, swirling around with the smell of BBQ and fresh mown grass and the sound of lively laughs and lovely chirping. The sun was high above the sky, the graceful light shining on the every corner with generosity. We are just happy and hope it will be forever. It's a gorgeous day to throw a party for Miya's little godmother's graduation. To accomodate with around 70 of guests, relatives and friends is a huge event. A lot of kisses, hugs, chat, laughs, and greetings. We had great time. We had plenty of sweets and cakes. We exclaimed it would be a great summer. We are looking forward for summer vacation to put everything aside but enjoy the sunshine, icecream, swimming, picnic, Shanghai trip, and our beautiful life. 5/25/2009 Travel to experience Life
Travelling with kids is never easy. The long drive, the sightseeing, the dining, the strangers and new places, the curiosity, the break-off of daily routines, and any and every small and tiny thing can cause unexceptedly cranky, fussy, weep, and then be totally out of control. But travelling itself is such a fascinating thing to offset all the potential annoying bits.
Miya was not fully-recovered, which explained why she was always sticking to me everywhere during our Tallin trip (all the photos are proofs). However I was rather high-motivated that I'd got stronger muscle to carry on my 11.7kg baby along the Tallin old town. I'd spared more energy to chase around a frolic toddler among the crowds when she ran away. I'd beared more strength to keep calm and distract her when she wailed and threw tantrum. I'd been more patient to cope with her constant demands and shrills. Only when laid on bed in the late evening, I felt my body was falling apart and finally relaxed after a long day.
Though physcially tired, I am still heartfeltedly appreciated for this occasional excursion. It's always refreshing to be away from the everyday life. A small break to explore somewhere new, to see something different, to travel on the boat, walk in the cobble streets of medieval surroundings and eat in a fancy restaurant.
Every time when we are on journey, I could put everything in this mundane world behind. Tavel is the best choice to experience life and its pleasure, because you forget your own identity but only relax, free your mind and feel alive.
5/23/2009 All and sundryThe passing week with a series of events has again manifested my imperfect parenting.
On Tuesday, Miya felt down from baby chair at daycare, that her head topped down and eyes and face hit the hard angle of another chair nearby. The blood oozed out immediately from right eyelid and face was punched bruised and swollen. I got the emergency call from daycare and ask if I could be present in 15 minutes, otherwise they will send her to hospital right away. As thrilled as I was, I put away everything to run to daycare. My eyes were welled when I saw her in the first place, even though she was already calm down and played with other kids, and I was too absentminded to perform anything, but held my poor baby in the arms. Everything faded blurry afterwards until doctor convinced there was nothing serious, and the little scratch would vanish slowly. However I hardly could recover from the initial shock and scary. The same night, Miya got fever. But it was gone after one dose of Panadol, and we thought she was affected emotionally and physcally by the accident.
The next morning, she looked normal and in order not miss her annual spring party at daycare, we sent her and joined her party as well. (Sitenote, I wonder it probably another feeble excuse to send my ill child to daycare). Kids and parents were joyfully singing, dancing and playing game together. Miya's mood was largely lifted. We had really enjoyable and sweet morning, but not untill noon, I got another call from daycare, Miya was measured high fever of 40C. I became jittery with the daycare number, which brought ominous news most of time. We drove there to pick up our ill baby, whose face was hot and red. The usual treatment did not work at all, over 24 hours after 4 doses of Panadol, the fever remained around 40C while only temporary dropped a while. She was quiet and sleepy. I blamed myself it was a mistake to send her in the morning.
Thursday was Ascension Day, the public holiday. We became antsy with the fever, so we made second healthy center visits within the week. The root-cause of this round of high fever was complicated, excluded from aftermath of the stess and panic of fall-down (denied by doctor, though doubted by me), it might result from the vaccination 10 days ago, or some sort of virus. As her ear was slightly infected, so she was gingerly prescribed antibiotics and stronger pain-killer type of medicine to reduce the fever. It was effective after one shot. Her fever was magically gone in the evening and started to play sands again. (side notes: the goods signs of Miya's wellbeing--watching tellytubbies, eating sausages and playing sands endlessly)
So we made a rather bold yet unreluctant decision that is stick to our plan to Tallin, Estonia as schedule on Friday. It was mind-boggling decision, and had provoked self-debating process that shall we go or not. And I believe most parents would call if off. But eventually we went there and had great time and Miya was reasonably cooperative during the whole trip, however again, a couple of friends sent sms asking if Miya is better, and eveytime I felt extremely shamed to reply the concerning message typing as " well, she is OK and we are at Tallin now" We were half shamed and half guilty to pull our merely-ate-anything-and-took-antibiotics-twice-a-day baby away to satisfy our pleasure on an outing and lavish Russian style cuisines. In other words, we were traveling on cost of our not-fully-recovered and frail baby.
She has been very tired, having longer hours nap and sleep, which was good for her rehab. We are unbelievably lucky to have a easy baby girl, who eases our life with little troubles. But I could not stop contemplating more about my parenting way, that I may be too loose, too relaxed, too willful, too selfish, too offhandy to be a good parent.
I feel crushed, inept and disappointed. Because I had been a quite self-centered individual. Because I have been struggling to balance my own career, personal interests and individual needs with my child's demands but feeling failed every now and then. Because I am still unwilling to give up or discount my own pursuits. Because I am still trying to make the best of every possibility to have my my own territory and time in this household. Because I am not demonstrating fully kids-prioritised parenting style. Because my short temper and impatience. Because too much I, my and myself. Because I should have been more devoted to my only child without complaints, grumps and blah-blah. Because all of my deficiency and defect. 5/18/2009 Sharing the Sunshine Sunny days are vibrant, velvety and chock up with full of possibility. When the air finally cleared and the clouds rolled away for the most part, how bright the days become and how perfectly time to crave for all kind of outdoor activities. There is summer in her step, and she seems to be dancing aloft, celebrating the grace and grandeur of life.
During weekend, we explored three playgrounds in our area. We ran into so many acquaintances in two days. Yeah, because we were strolling around a lot every morning and afternoon. Surprised to exclaim "oh, you live here, lovely, you know we are just over there" It seems everyone in neighborhood comes out of house after a long winter to embrace the glory of sunshine. We stopped here and there, on the street, in the playground, at someone's doorway, even were ushered into someone's backyard, to chat away lightheartedly. The conversation flew in the most natural and friendly way. I felt in darned good motion to talk while basking in the sunlight.
We had our guests on Sunday. Emilia and Miya become very good friends, which was expected back to when i was pregnant. I like Vilma and little Emilia in many ways as both have such beautiful, kind, peaceful and sensitive souls. I think it doubles our friendship somehow that our kids are good friends too. Emilia coaches Miya for jumping and running and patiently handed over whatever Miya asked for and played with Miya like a big sister, whereas Miya likes imitating everything Emilia has just once done. It is so amazing to see the connection and harmony between young kids.
I feel many times these days as if living in my youth. I swing aside by Miya, sit and rest and fling my body back and forth. I look up, I feel how delighted to breath under cyrstal-blue sky adorned by candy shaped clouds. I feel as if I were swinging back to my childhood, the carefree summers and endless joy of idling and dreaming on my own. The songbirds are chirping, night is falling, and we sit and talk. Seeing the world goes by from a child's eye is really a fascinating way to feel younger and fresher. How glad I am now and how fun to be spoiled in every moment I feel young and energied.
5/10/2009 The Joy of Mother's Day Two years ago, when i was six-month pregnant and taking our holiday in picturesque Provence, I got a sweet message from my godmother "it is your first mother's day, hope you enjoy it". I felt oddly strange and surprised, because the fact that I was mother-to-be, physically I was carrying another human being, but somehow I was not sure about the whole new light of being a mother and its mighty title "mama".I totally forgot Mother's Day last year until my friend Vilma sent me regards via sms. OMG, Being stay at home with a young baby, busying myself in everyday chores and nursing, and the whole packing-and-moving-and-unpacking to a new house had blurred my mind to remark this special day. I could not recollect precisely that day, so probably it slipped away as any ordinary day.
But, it is totally different Today, my third Mother's Day in life. I brewed a pot of coffee and looked outside this morning, hoping to see sunshine and butterflies to warm my heart. Here I have more--My baby Miya handcrafted me a gift at daycare and her father kept it secretely and presented it on that very day. My baby hugged me, kissed me and chased me with belly-laughters. I feel overwhelmed with joy. I made myself a cheesecake and her Daddy cooked us a nice meal and we opened a bottle of good wine (Torres Sangre de Toro) to celebrate. We cuddled in bed for a good nap. In the afternoon, we drove to family playground, swinging, sliding, rotating, walking, playing sands and watching ducks. It was a lovely day indeed.
I admit, I am honored and really enjoy the new identity-- the mother to my own blood-and-flesh. She is my best sidekick and forever darling, and our love will never fade away till death do us apart. Happy Mother's Day--to my mother, my grandma and all the mothers.
5/6/2009 About Me--Random Quizzes
5/4/2009 What I love most during long Vappu weekend
It seems so true in a cold climate country, when sun peeks out, every living creature becomes endearing and appealing. So here we are. With gorgerous sunlight, the long vappue weekend was beautiful and exciting. What I love most are--
4/30/2009 A Parent Meeting
Had a parent meeting with Miya's teacher Päivi this week. We exchanged a lot of views in terms of Miya's nursing, developing, learning progress. Actually not on that day only, but every possible drop-off and pick-up, we always have some chat on general thing or particular issues on daily basis. Päivi is my best consultant and has become my reliable and beloved sidekick on any matter about Miya--my favorite topic.
She shared her professional knowledge on children psychology, provided keynotes she took from a recent seminar which was specifically tailored for Miya. And I told my emotions, concerns on how to set the rules, gauges and disciplines the rules. We all know Terrible Two, though Miya has not reached that level by any extent, I think, lately she has shown strong demands and insisted on own will, some of which conflict with my parenting rules, and some of which challenge my parenting limits. I am resorting for sort of balance and techniques to be handle different scenarios. Nothing is easy, especially when you make your own kids weep and scream like hell. But sometimes we have to, to guide our kids and tell life is not always supposed to be like what they naively wish.
We had a lot of laughs and heart-soothing conversation during our meeting, and I just love it. My best parenting-panic therapy!!!! I will ask for Päivi' private number, I believe she will become my very good friend in life.
The point here is, again, I feel overwhelmedly grateful for the caretakers. Every passing day, I can see and feel the strong bond between Miya and them. Miya loves each of them heartily, repeating their names when goes to sleep, calling their names when steps into the daycare. We were total strangers a year ago, I did not know any of them. However over a year, I just feel everyone, from Päivi, Eila, Kirsi and Nina, like my best friends and relatives. I trust them, and I know Miya gets best attention with any of them. I tell many many times how much we appreciate and how luck we are, but the gratefulness is beyond the words, infinitely. Though they claim it is their duties, it brings profound meanings to Miya and our little family.
PS. Another long weekend, tomorrow 1.5 Vappu and ongoing Sat and Sun. A lot of programs are booked already. Weather will be promising. Can not wait!
4/27/2009 In the SunshineSunny, full of sunlight; warm, cordial and perfect weather in the long weekend. We walk out every morning and afternoon, trying to grip every possibility to soak in the radiating sunshine and relish the spring breeze in grateful attitude. Some highlights of these three days.
Friday--Took day off to cooperate Miya's daycare schedule. Miya and I were hanging around in the town for three amazing hours, which was the longest ever!!!! A lot of clothes shopping and library browsing. I feel our shopping experience has tons of improvement lately. I finally can find some ways to check around for my own interest while she is running around within the reach of my sight! But on the other hand, I should be alert all the time, because she can totally do the things which are not appropriate such as intending to tear a tag of goods, pulling down a piece of clothes from the rack, shuffling one shoe from a pair off the counters and hiding herself in the changing room.
Saturday--A's B-day. We sat on the terrace facing directly to the shimmering lake and soaked in the glorious sun the whole afternoon.The breeze was friendly and warm. Kids were scampering around, playing with soft sands, chasing one after another, singing and dancing along the music. Adults were indulgent in lovely conversation, drinking wine, biting olives, sharing A's recent adventure in Isreal, and enjoying the delicious homemade dishes. I wrote the card to A "Dear A, So fortunate to have you as good friends over years. So glad to share the happiness in life with you, and hope to celebrate this very day with you every year."
Sunday--We visited a 2-months newborn boy. So fresh smell and cute litte hands and feet. We learned how to make sushi from Miya's "Gan Ma". And another small party with our Chinese folks in the evening. As always, food is perpetual entertainment. It differentiates from the western dining culture with the remarkable quality and quantity of the food. No one really cares about the etiquette and table manner, as long as the every intake through the mouth caters to sensational satisfaction. Chat out loud and laugh out loud:-)
4/22/2009 Blink Everytime I flip through Miya's album, I can not help thinking the same platitude--time is fleeting, like in the blink of an eye. She is not an infant in my arms anymore. No longer can I rest her on my breast for hours, nor can I carry her in baby-Bjorn. The fluffy newbornhood is far behind and she has grown into a mobile and energetic toddler and a remarkable individual with strong own will and unique personality. All of a sudden, I want to grisp every piece of the dusty and nostalgic emotions of the first weeks, first months and many firsts. I've said here before that motherhood hasn't changed me much in the ways what are supposed to to be. My hormones didn't go haywire, I didn't have the identity crisis, relationship crisis or body crisis , and honestly I haven't ever felt overwhelmed with the joy of physically caring for another human. I haven't elaborately done anything special such as consuming additional nutritions (except the standard subsidiary instructed by clinics), or reading literature and routinely converse with my baby-in-uterus. In my mind, carrying a baby is a natural thing, and also I am totally not that kind of fussy, sensitive and over-indulgent mother to expect her first child involving in vareity of high-maintenanced treats. That's just not me. What I have felt, though, is overwhelmed with the emotional responsibility of loving someone. Not only provision a safe and promising nest for her, but also the duty to mentor and love her profoudly. The affection of Love springs gradually and slowly, and blossoms magnificantly and intensly. Having a child has made me feel entirely emotionally exposed, completely vulnerable to all of the horrors and tragedies of life and completely strong to sustain level of independecy and reliablity at the same time. And I believe those are something that will never ever go away when a child calls you mother. I didn't exude any happy tears when greeted her into the world on that very day, but I do cry often when she is ill or think about what if her life without me. Our lives are different now, in the better way. And they will also be different three months from now and a year from now and two years from now, et cetera. I must remember this every day because it's all temporary and slip away in a second, though the moments and pieces blend into the ones before and after. Things are changing, life is going forward and we are thriving on our path as a inseparable unit--mother and daughter. Today the baby cooing, tomorrow the whole new world. Soon, with the blink of an eye, everything will become memory. 4/21/2009 Butterfly Effect
In my last entry, it provokes this interesting topic--butterfly Effect. I wiki-ed and googled a bit, and really fascinate about the theory and its implications--
Some random thoughts popped into my mind--
What do you think about it? 4/20/2009 Wonder--LostSomtimes I feel the world is getting small on me. So small that it tapers off. So small it seems narrow down unitl i can not fit in. I want to run away, to explore and discover, to throw my body and soul into a flamy and glorious heat without hesitation.
We run into a life we had once upon a time ago, the person we had passion upon, the moment we swore to god we would never forget, the uncertainty bugged us and the belief implanted inside us. We confront ourself in many scenarios and ask what would be different we have never ever had that experience in the past? The world is revolving, and you will never know at which point you will encounter with someone or something again in an expected yet surprising way.
So I wonder where I would be now, had I stepped to the right instead of the left. I wonder if every coincidence is trying to tell me something with hidden messages. What is now, what is past and what is future? Can we really walk into the past with memories erased off or engraved vividly? Can we really travel the time passage to revisit someone once important to our life and change the things we deeply regret for? Can we really forget the hurt and re-mend the wound? Can we really be better and wiser, if we were given the chance to live through this life again?
No answer myself. Maybe yes, maybe no. Everything is seeminly destinated, tangled, karma-ed, dotline connected and intertwined.
Probably I watched too much Lost this weekend. My mind is wired in the unknown mysteries about future and past.
4/17/2009 Fresh eyes
To be with Miya right now is to have multiple chances to slow down to join her spontaneously and see the world through her dew-eyes. We all will stop for a moment to marvel at a soap bubble, point at dust flying in the air, gazing at neighbor's cat for ten minutes with full attention, smile at the descending bounces of a rubber ball on the wooden floor, and giggle at tellybuddy's repeated and funny dialogue.
To be with her, I find loads of pleasure of playing with her toys, reading her illustrative books, listening to her favorite albums and swinging with her at the sandpit. It also has aroused abudant of fond memories of my own childhoold. The hot and steamy summer time, the unbridled freedom running on the lawn in park, the never-bored story time, the enormous loves from grandparents, the doll with a blinky eyes when shake its head, the electronic piano which cost almost my mom's one-month salary, the uproaring laughters and breakneck speed of running, the few yet favorite radio channel and TV programs, the dreams in the starry night in patio, the coolness under the green shades and my frugal, humble but happy childhood. Many times, I feel my soul and body travel back years ago to my golden and carefree time.
To be with her, I learn to focus on small, tiny, teeny and simple object and realize how amazing it is and wonder why I had been neglecting the beauty in handy before. I learn to be curious at the world around, the fluttering butterfly, the squirmy insect, the chirping birds, the soft sands and the rising full moon. I learn to sit back and appreciate the small morsel of food, the half hour of quiet time during her nap, fifteen minutes walk . I learn to be more grateful for the sunshine, light, nature, details, novelty, health, work and love.
From a child's eyes, anything and everything can be explored profoundly and inquisitively and unexpectedly, and it never fails to astonish adults how wonderous the world can be from those fresh eyes.
4/15/2009 Little Gardener Daddy's Girl
 It's not acting, Miya is seriously raking
 Everyone knows Miya loves milk. Need a bottle as reward-:)
 Mommy is the only one sitting, watching and doing nothing, hehe...
4/14/2009 A Pleasant Easter Weekend A great easter weekend, it was all shiny, warm and geogerous outside, feels like summer. Miya has recovered, and her appetite is finally back.
Back to work today. I realized that this weekend was filled with many happy and quiet momentsit and it was hard to choose just one. These moments were nothing over the top, just those teeniest, tiniest, simplest of moments that warmed my heart and had me feeling relaxed and contented.
--Attending Easter service on Sunday at Church, meeting new and old friends and laughing out loud
--Eating easter eggs, egg chocolate, and a lot of icecream
--Sipping warm coffee and chatting with a group of good friends at a coffee shop 15 km away from the town
--Sitting on the breezy patio, drinking cold beer, and playing sands with Miya in the sunshine
--Watching her daddy busying at garden, raking, weeding, cleaning up the small vegetable patch
--Dining with friends, hot-potting, family cooking, baking and Easter speciality creamy mämmi
--Holding sleeping Miya in arms at backseat in the car, while reading a pocketbook about Zen attitude with peaceful state of mind
--Walking with Miya along the river side and basking in the afternoon warmth
--Listening to the chirping of songbirds, gazing at beautiful skyline and smiling.....
4/9/2009 Good moments in Bad daysThe last day of Easter Holiday was a whirlpool of events. Hurtling around home, office, shops and hosptial is no fun at all. Miya's illness has morphed into more serious, with high fever and constant coughing. After noon, it appeared rash starting from face, within a couple of hours, it had sprawled to her limbs and abdomen. We called clinic and drove there to see doctor. According to doctor, it is sort of common epidemic virus named A16, however luckily she does not have infection on ears and lung. There will be neither antibiotics nor other medicine prescribed. The only way is drinking enough water, milk and rest, though her fever is almost 39.
We had friends over for dinner, but Miya was sleepy and silent the whole night. No interaction with anyone. She is very ill, weak, fatigued and skin is abnormally red and hot. Just sent her to bed, and pray god she will be fine soon. Grateful for this long easter weekend, we will have plenty of time rejuvenate and restore.
There are many times I mull over the pros and cons, scenarios and consequences of raising up a child in a faraway country or back to home where close to our immediate families. There are many times I feel desperately helpless and agonised when we really need some handy helps. Especially like when Miya is ill.
 After all, life is just multitude of experiences. The more you've undergone, the more profound perceptions and feelings you would accumulate. I clearly and firmly know if we were in Shanghai I would never have such rich and significant experiences of my life to luxuriate so much time and intimacy with my girl. Every child get ill, but there are good moments from bad things and bad days. Like today, we had a lot of time cuddle together, laying her head on my laps, tapping her back, fiddling with her fingers,wrapping her hands in my palms, combing her hair with my fingers and kissing her from time to time. I love those moments and our special connection when she trusts and needs me most. The good moments are like sunshine peeking through the overcast. I will never stop being amazed at how parenthood swings on and on and on, highs and lows, a new view every day, everything balancing out in ways words can’t even explain.
Happy Easter!
4/6/2009 Rainy & Guilty-ridden MondayMiya was uncomfortably flailing and tossing her body the whole night, and had fever of 37.5 this mornig. We hesitated and thought about her father would stay with her at home instead of sending her to daycare, because I will have to host a train-to-trainer session to a group of people globally via conference call. I could find no way to present 40 slides of intense and broad scope of material and initiate a lot of discussion for two-straight-hours with a needy and ill child around. I could either change this scheduled session by this Morning.
However her daddy was not confident to look to her when mommy is totally absent. So we still sent her to daycare. She did not want any breakfast, except milk. The drop-off was heartbreaking and tear-stained. When we arrived at 8:20am, unfortunately her regular caregivers (Päivi and Eila) were not there yet, probably on the way, Kirsi is on vacation. It was her rare time burst into shrilling cry when handed over to backup nanny. We almost escaped outside, panting and sighing. "If i knew Eila or Päivi were not there yet, I would have kept her at home" Her father murmured over and over.
I called after one hour later when Eila picked up the phone. She tells cheerfully and comfortingly "Don't worry, I am here. Princess Miya is happy, and we are going to playground now" Relieved, I felt tons of better. Nevertheless, I have been on alert state of mind for a whole day because I am mentally prepared to put aside of my work and rush out of office at any time. Thanks god, it is 2:30pm, no calls from daycare yet. Then I made another ring to her daycare. Päivi told Miya is very fine, eating well and napping well too. Thanks almighty god, I feel finally my tension is winded down.
It is another hard part of being a parent when juggling with work and life balance. I think I have already taken a lot of advantages to raise up my kid in this country, where individual needs are highly respected. However there are still many times we have to choose our career part prior to our personal one, because of the commitment we've made and the responsibilites we've taken towards our work. It's hard to leave a screaming and ill child, and it is harder to concentrate on working without thinking about a screaming and ill child.
Raining Monday, and my guilty-ridden state of mind.
3/31/2009 Annoying fightingBrainstorming with intelligent people is thought-provoking, whereas fighting with the stupid and the slacky at work is more than annoying.
But when my tolerance has been pushed to limit, I would definitely ignite an irrevocable fight, search for justice and win over it by all means. I know exactly how to do and what to react, though sometimes we can not change too much as own will in a huge organization. We still should try our best to make differences and squeeze the negative elements out at workpalce.
Escalated to our senior management, and my points were taken. Appreciated for my practical Germany boss as always. As I wrote down in fury but elaborate my viewpoints clearly " I believe I have all my rights to ask a response for an overdue request. And I believe nobody will blame me if I push to get things done. It is all about work ethics in this organization." Especially in the bad economy, none of us can excuse ourselves by ignorance and inefficiency. We could not tolerate people perched in the positions but doing nothing. Good attitude in day-to-day collaboration is the key to survive and sustain in the tough time. Nothing can be taken for granted. I am definitely not the person who can be fooled around or played tricks with.
If you want to play fair game, I am totally IN. But if you try to fight with me for nonsense, I will ensure you lose the game in the first place and at last.
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You are a mild mannered person. People feel naturally calm around you.
You are a responsible and serious person. You like to do things well.
Of all the reds, you are the most energetic and vibrant.
Well known for your happiness, you live a high quality life.
You're a romantic, albeit an understated and practical one.
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